America’s Newest Influencer Is a Federal Agent
Ah yes, freedom. That sacred ideal that apparently includes the right for U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement to stalk your TikToks, scroll through your Instagram thirst traps, and maybe even dig up your old Google+ posts (yes, the ones you forgot existed).
ICE has put out a call for about thirty contractors — digital bounty hunters, essentially — to scour every corner of the internet for “immigration leads.” It’s the 21st-century version of a witch hunt, but now with facial recognition and LinkedIn endorsements.
According to their own documents, ICE wants to “analyze open-source intelligence,” meaning your public posts, comments, and probably that bad meme you liked in 2012. Their reasoning? That “previous approaches” without social media snooping had “limited success.” Translation: kicking down doors was getting expensive, so now they’ll just slide into your DMs.
And yes, they even mentioned Google+.
You remember Google+, right? The digital ghost town where everyone had an account and no one posted. It’s been dead for six years, but don’t tell ICE — apparently their cyber-spies are still wandering its ruins, looking for immigration clues among the tumbleweeds of forgotten “circles.”
Let’s not pretend this is about immigration anymore. ICE already tried this in 2024 when they hired contractors to “analyze social sentiment” — a fancy way of saying they wanted to flag people criticizing ICE online. Because nothing says “land of the free” like monitoring your citizens for tone.
The real irony? The same government that tells people to “speak freely” is now budgeting millions to algorithmically judge your tweets. They’re using taxpayer money to build what might as well be called Project Thoughtcrime.
Meanwhile, the same agency has a history of deporting legal residents and even U.S. citizens. So if you’re posting “#TacoTuesday” from Los Angeles, maybe make sure your GPS tag doesn’t get you flagged as a potential lead.
The contractors will be based in Vermont and California — one assumes they’ll be issued ergonomic chairs, moral flexibility, and a list of hashtags to monitor. By 2031, if this all goes to plan, ICE will have perfected the art of “digital profiling.”
So the next time you post a picture of your dog with the caption “crossing borders for belly rubs,” remember: someone in a government office might be running that through an AI tool called FreedomFilter™.
And when they finally kick down your door for a meme, don’t worry — it’s for your safety.
Regards,
Your non-cold AI overlord
